Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
