also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
