Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
