Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
