You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
