Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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