I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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