I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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