everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
