you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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