The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
