Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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