apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
