Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
