found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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