Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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