seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
