If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
