I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
