I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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