I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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