Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
