Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
wrigley field is MILF paradise
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
