I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
