I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
