Don't make out with my wife yet
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
