Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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