I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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