You're so nebulous sometimes
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
