as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
