Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
