Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize