I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I wish there were birth control emojis
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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