I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
