i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
