Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
