I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
