Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
