ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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