you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
