the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
