i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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