remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize