So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
