Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
