Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
