were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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