Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
