dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
