Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
