Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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