I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
