I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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