and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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