meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
