Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
