Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
