Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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