Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
