bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
