The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
