Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
