So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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