If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think my fart just growled at me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
