listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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