Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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